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January 30, 2003


A rush of emotions. Listening to more music now and I was listening to Angeles by Elliot Smith. I read an article on Salon.com the other day about how "closure" doesn't really exist. The context it was being taken in was about the death penalty and how you really don't get closure while waiting for someone to be executed for 10 years on death row. At least if they're convicted for life without parole, there aren't appeals hearings going on for years and years.

I think it's very true that we never really get closure from things. Like it or not, unless you've erased your memory or become numb to all emotions, when we're reminded of the past, some emotions will get brought to the surface.

Posted by beamz at 4:49 PM | Comments (0)

music that moves

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhwere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

'Cause I sit here locked
inside my head remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast

"For You" - Staind

I was going through some of my music and this song always moves me. I think when I was younger I identified with it but I think a lot of younger folks feel the same way when they're trying to figure out who they are.

Posted by beamz at 2:27 AM | Comments (0)

January 28, 2003

can't we all just get along?

It doesn't seem like I've been able to get along with my peers and I'm not sure why yet. In related news, it seems like the U.S. can't get along with it's peers either.

It's pretty lame watching our country get flushed down the toilet.

I got my working phone except a couple of things DON'T work on it like voicemail notification and SMS to same-network people.

Man I need to write my thoughts down more, lately my head has been running 100mph.

Posted by beamz at 11:18 PM | Comments (0)

January 26, 2003


Besides spy plane crashes, power fluctuations, internet worms, etc, nothing really exciting to report.

As an aside, Bank of American reportedly had hundreds of ATMs out of service due to the traffic disruption caused by the internet worm noted above. If you're not already wondering it, I'd like to inquire why the hell they have ATMs on the internet. Now I know of one bank to steer completely clear of.

I need to work with Kris to get her desk situation all arranged. We bought a trundle bed and unfortunately the desk that's in the spare bedroom is too big for a trundle bed to roll out.

I was also in a snippy/crappy mood today which sucked.

Posted by beamz at 3:58 AM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2003

news and updates

Well I'm pretty happy to see this article linked off of slashdot.org. It talks about the resources necessary to produce a memory chip and makes you wonder how much a chip would really cost if companies produced them more "cleanly" without all the toxic metals and the millions of gallons of waste water.

I started working nights and it's been good because now I can work through systems issues with people who generally report them but are gone before I get in in the mornings. Makes it much easier to track the elusive bugs that happen to crop up on certain people. Work woke me up at 10:30am this morning, a bit earlier than I wished for since I didn't get to bed until 5:30am.

Class has been going alright, a lot of factual information to memorize for this Arts and Music class. It's good because it gives me an excuse to broaden my horizons even more.

I'm also on the hunt for my birthday present. This year I want it earlier, especially since we're going to be having a wedding right before. On the wedding front, we're trying to decide on a honeymoon. We've dropped the St. Lucia idea because we get less bang for our buck due to expensive airfare. We've decided to try to do a 5 day honeymoon in Cancun at one of their 5 star resorts and then try to do a trip to Europe this fall. This year and the end of last year has been phenomenal.

If you have any honeymoon recommendations (Mexico or Carribean), speak up.

Posted by beamz at 2:46 AM | Comments (0)

January 22, 2003

Rings and things

Kris and I got her wedding band designed and mine picked out. We've also always talked about "upgrading" her ring to platinum some day so I just asked on a whim how much it would cost. It turns out to convert everything to platinum for her would be an additional $500. So I said "Fine, let's do that then.", to which she replied "Don't twist my arm." Well with that minute euphoric feeling realizing we would end up with what we wanted in the beginning barring complications, we picked out my wedding band. Let me just say that I was shocked at how expensive platinum bands were for men. We found what we liked and got it though.

I talked to the best man today as well. We always say we're going to hook up (haven't seen him in about 3 years) but we never do. He's busy doing traveling and work so things just never work out. Well he needs to meet my fiance since he's going to be the best man and also get fitted for a tux. Hopefully he'll be able to drive down from Chicago this weekend and things will work out. Who knows though. =)

Also emailed a long time friend of mine from highschool who I've done a shoddy job of keeping in contact with.


As an aside, something I think about all the time is forming and disolving friendships. I never disolve them on purpose, always say to those who I won't see often that I will keep in touch but even those who I am closest to sometimes go months without speaking to me. I guess it's ok but it doesn't feel right. During our trip to Thailand, hanging out with family and friends just made me realize how isolated I am. I'm happy but it's like really good food, you miss it when you realize you don't have it that often. What constitutes a good friend? I've lost contact with many people over the years who've affected me in so many ways and it makes me get that "empty" feeling sometimes.

Posted by beamz at 2:00 AM | Comments (0)

January 20, 2003


I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon today which wasn't bad.

I installed Windows XP which took a bit of arm twisting due to some quirks with the SunPCI interface. I must say, for all the criticism people put forth towards Microsoft and their shoddy implementations of software, I wish people would attempt to innovate like they have from Windows 98/2000/Me to Windows XP. Just reorganizing and making things prettier along with allowing multiple users to "share" the desktop and switch between users shows that someone has thought of something somewhat useful.

Kris and I usually watch a bit of the shows from the week that have collected on the TiVo and one of them happens to be CSI. This past weeks scene contained pictures of landfills and all the garbage people throw away. A lot of waste is produced from manufacturing technology-related things like computers.

A study done in 1997 by the Silicon Valley Toxics Coalition says that:

The production of every single six-inch silicon wafer uses the following resources:

* 3,200 cubic feet of bulk gases,
* 22 cubic feet of hazardous gases,
* 2,275 gallons of deionized water,
* 20 pounds of chemicals, and
* 285 kilowatt hours of electrical power.

And for every single six-inch silicon wafer manufactured, the following wastes are produced:

* 25 pounds of sodium hydroxide,
* 2,840 gallons of waste water, and
* 7 pounds of miscellaneous hazardous wastes.

When you consider that Intel's Rio Rancho, New Mexico facility can process 5,000 eight-inch silicon wafers in a single week, the environmental costs are staggering.

Another note says that most states don't have space for more semiconductor fabrication facilities because of the strain on the water supply. Apparently 1-2mil gallons of water per day is needed.

It's sad but instead of recycling the components (I don't mean ship them to China) and making sure we don't consume ourselves to death, the problem is ignored.

In an effort to understand more about globalism, I'm reading a book called "The Case Against the Global Economy: And for a Turn Toward the Local" which is questioning whether or not Globalism is a GoodThing(TM).

Posted by beamz at 12:08 AM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2003

time to go to sleep

We watched some movies tonight (last night really) that were entertaining. Austin Powers Goldmember is probably considered "stupid" by many but it's funny.

So my pager goes off at 10:35pm with a automated notification that a server went down. Of course tonight the person who usually works nights decided to call in sick. Murphy's Law rears its ugly head, I end up driving in to work and staying until 4am.

Time for sleep. bye.

Posted by beamz at 5:40 AM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2003

and it all comes together

Well... I've been ready to throw computer hardware out the window and many other objects. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe things.

1) Tripped over digital camera breaking usb port on camera (will need to be sent in for repair, taking pictures etc works fine)
2) Soekris didn't want to cooperate with ANYTHING I was doing including setting up dhcpd, connecting it to the cable modem, or syslogd.
3) Paid $20 for a useless compact flash reader because I needed it in order to write openbsd images to the flash card for the Soekris. On a whim I tried writing an image and using the laptop's pcmcia compact flash reader/writer to write the image to the card. This fortunately worked.

By the end of the night tonight, I had successfully gotten the Soekris working live, most of my command line apps like irc and screen on the Sparc. I'm going to install XP for Kris on the SunPCi II since Windows 2000 has decided to flake out. I'm moving data around right now to make room for it.

On the interesting/good side of things, we went to the Marriage Inventory thing at the church and filled in 164 little bubbles with a #2 pencil. We were asked questions about money management, comfort in sharing feelings, views about children, religion, and how our families were when we were young. I think none of this stuff will be news really but it'll be nice to bring things back up to talk about.

Check out MoveOn.org and see the video clip of a commercial they have been airing about the Iraq Inspections. It's a neat clip that gives pause to the "Big Guns" approach to dealing with troublemakers in the world.

Posted by beamz at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2003

Busy days

These past couple of days have been rather hectic at work. I'm also probably going to do an odd schedule change for the next month so I can work with some folks who work nights at work. This week I've been hauling ass to rebuild a bunch of servers at work but key reliances make it a little difficult.

The Soekris is working a little bit better now and I've made progress due to the fact that I can use my Nikon Coolpix camera as the flash reader to write to it as a USB mass storage device. I need to figure out some ISC dhcp settings to allow the SunRay to retrieve its IP address from it and boot. Hopefully I can make some decent headway Friday.

On the marriage front, we have a marriage uh "inventory" session on Saturday which should be a BLAST (well not really but still). Today I think the first of many trains hit me realizing I'm getting married in less than 4 months. The only part that freaks me out is that there is a lot left to do.

Posted by beamz at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2003


I'm the type of person that thinks that revealing more about ones self to others demonstrating trust automatically instills their trust in you. This is partially true. There are many anecdotes by philosphers stating that the wise man keeps quiet and the foolish one speaks without thinking. I think I forget this a lot and end up saying more than I should...

Prey is an entertaining book but it's predictable, the solutions seem too complex yet the main character figures things out in minutes, and the you have the same types of characters as in 75% of Crichton's books. You have the main character who is cautious, smart, yet somewhat naiive. Then you have the scheming secretive person who lies and is arrogant. Last but not least, you have the trusty sidekick.

In a nutshell huh....

Posted by beamz at 10:18 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2003


Oh yes and of course in a possibly exciting news snippet relating to "Fair Use" and consumer rights regarding music/movies/tv/etc, Michael Powell, chairman of the FCC, says "TiVo is God's machine."

Apparently Apple's new web browser "Safari" is based on KDE's (Linux desktop) Konquerer (web browser).

Posted by beamz at 10:11 PM | Comments (0)

Quiet Sunday

Today was relaxing. We didn't do much. I got my Sunray 1 working but there's still a problem with dhcp running on the sparc and the gateway. Got a working OpenBSD 3.2 image for my Soekris but it's not quite the way I want it so I'm going to continue pursuing making my own image. I should send out for an ide to compact flash adapter.

I'm wanting a Sony DVD burner bad so I can free up some disk space. I suppose I could just buy a 120gb hard disk but that wouldn't solve the issue of getting 4gb crap off my drive nor does it substitute for a good backup solution. Having all of my music on 3 dvds would just RULE.

Oh and I've gotten pretty far reading Prey by Michael Crichton. I think I'm going to finish a book in under a month. AMAZING. I put a bunch of unread books on the shelf and realize I have a ton of books still to read. Some of them range in age from 1-8 years.

Posted by beamz at 9:49 PM | Comments (0)

Movies galore

Watched Signs and Minority Report tonight. I enjoyed both of the movies and they were both very entertaining.

Just walked into a conversation about religion on IRC and a comment was made that "Most christians are fanatics and also idiots." Of course after a little bit of clarification, the same individual said, well actually most people in this world are fanatical about something. Also with a lot of questions from people I realize that I have a lot to learn.

But don't all of us?

Posted by beamz at 12:05 AM | Comments (0)

January 9, 2003

Sun Ray 1 thin client

This is the latest gadget to arrive from UPS. It's a Sun Ray 1 thin client. Hopefully I'll be able to set it up this weekend. Another thing I was able to do is get a 3com 905 nic working in my Sparc. Aside from that, I had my last Human Resources class today. I had a take home final due, a 4-5pg paper (which I did on "Finding great talent and keeping it"), as well as a 20 minute group presentation. I took the day off from work to take care of some stuff.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of stuff but always forget to write my ideas down which is bad. I've ditched the PDA idea realizing I wouldn't use it much like the current one I have and instead I've opted to get a Sony DRU-500XL DVD burner.

Anyway time for some rest and read "Prey" by Michael Crichton.

Posted by beamz at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)

January 5, 2003

adbusters.org and toys

The latest gadget I want to get is an Ipaq 3955 pda. I have a Palm IIIxe that I don't use much and after taking a look at my scheduling and todo list at work, I've determined that it's getting a little over my head and I need to keep better track of things. So what better way than to use a pda right?

I also bought my first copy of Adbusters magazine which is pretty interesting. Some view it as a little extreme but if nothing else, it's very thought provoking. The issue had some statistics like how the average child watches 4 hours of tv per day. Or provoking movements like BND (Buy Nothing Day) on the day after thanksgiving. Some of the points are good like how corporations have so many commercials basically equating the amount you care for someone to how much money you spend on their gifts.

Aside from that, I love buying gadgets and tinkering with new toys. I can sit for hours and read about a technology or gadget (like Pocket PC's compared to Palm's). It keeps me content playing with new hardware. That's why the challenges at work with learning new systems keeps me engaged.

Posted by beamz at 7:58 PM | Comments (0)

January 2, 2003


I wish it weren't so but the way that people operate nowadays at work is that they feel they get the greatest reward (even me) from being "on top" of an issue. This means that when the slightest feeling that something could go wrong or even indication that something could, you stand up in the theater and yell "FIRE!!! FIRE!!! FIRE!!!". It's ridiculous, people like excitement but I think it keeps escalating to the point that we'll all be sitting their snorting coke and making sure we've taken enough amphetamines that we can hit the PANIC! button within nanoseconds.

In the computer world, I am to the point where instead of waiting for software for the Soekris box, I'm going to roll my own. It's pretty simple with instructions Chris Cappucio has made on making a tiny compact flash image for the box.

I don't want to go to bed because I'm grooving with the music and hammering on the BSD stuff but I shall go soon.

Listening to: Enya - Hope Has A Place

Posted by beamz at 11:09 PM | Comments (0)

January 1, 2003

happy new year

happy new year. hope everyone had a good and safe holiday.

Posted by beamz at 12:24 AM | Comments (0)